Making sense of the impossible

I have been scared to write-on this thing at least. But I am not scared now. In fact, I am only sorry I was scared at all. So to you all, please feel free to read my words and take them however you please because I am selfish and there are things I want to say and, more importantly, want you to hear.

I want to say something about the end:

I don't know how to wrap my head around it, but the end is here, and no matter how many times I try to rationalize it ("Holy crap, we only have a month of school left... We graduate in a week... That was my last time spinning around in my advocate chair..") it doesn't really help me understand the situation at hand.

So I won't go on. That's not why I am writing. I am writing to say thanks.

Thank you all for all the ways I am different because of high school; we all stand out, simply by being ourselves.

Thank you for singing in the halls, dancing in squares, running in circles, spinning in chairs.

Thank you for teaching me how to breathe and hold my tongue and hands and yet know when it's time to let go.

For showing me how to look at a rock and know its history, a cloud and know its altitude, an essay and know its lesson. Everything has a journey, ourselves included. Everything had a story to tell.

Thank you for caring for me when I didn't care myself and being careless when worries were useless.

For giving me support, unconditionally.

For building houses with me, learning how to be capable, installing windows and using power tools, turning uncertain hands into tools of their own.

For treading on dormant volcanoes, eating lunch on the grass, being my own cool breeze.

I can't rationalize it, but I know I am grateful.

The end is here; it's sweet and sad and exciting and impossible for me to understand. But it's only the way it is because of you all.

 Thanks.

Unfound

What lies in the shadows?
Never to be found.
Never to be heard
or read
or seen.

What goes not unwritten
but unpublished?
I think the words, they're out there
somewhere,
but I think they're collecting dust
instead of the admiration they deserve.

Everything, everyone, needs a spotlight,
at least sometimes.
We all need attention,
someone to listen to us
to appreciate us.

Just think what could be hidden
in darkness.
You're favorite band, unheard.
You're favorite book, unread
You're favorite photo, unseen.
You're favorite person, unloved.

What if the light passes over
but passes on?
What if we never find what
we never knew we were looking for?

A Word to the Wise

Mottos, let me begin by saying, are great. They are just little phrases, but the ones in my life ring through my head over and over.

Have you ever been faced with a situation that leaves you without a clue as to what to do? Suddenly your brain is a black space filled with nothing and you need it to be filled with wit or logic or instinct or something! Then something filters through, a ringing something. It's that phrase, that motto, you may have forgotten about but presents itself when you need it most. It's that thing that gives you guidance in the blackness.

Recently, I have been working on a new one.

This is how it goes:

Life is easy if you make it easy. 

This is my reasoning:

Things in life can be hard and because they are hard, we complain about them. Studying. School. Practices. Meetings. Relationships, especially. Life, man. But if you approach something with the right attitude, I don't think that something that is hard can't be easy. Let me give you an example.

There have been some conversations that I have been meaning to have for awhile. I didn't want to have them because facing the problems or the people just felt so hard. I was nervous. Then, I just realized that this is life! Why on earth (get it?) should it be hard? 

It was just talking; it was just being honest, open, truthful. I didn't need to be nervous. So I decided that I wouldn't be. It was a hard subject to approach, sure. But that didn't mean I couldn't laugh or joke or be myself. 

You know that test you are dreading or that person you have been meaning to tell how you feel? Well, remember this is life and it doesn't have to be hard even if it seems that way. Enjoy it.

These are my other favorite mottos (maybe they will resonate with you, too):

My own self at my very best all the time

You do you, I'll do me, and one day we'll do we

Live simply so others can simply live

My Happy Place

Sometimes being the baby of the family has its perks. I, annoyingly so according to my two older sisters, got a phone earlier, a higher allowance, a later bedtime that turned into a later curfew. But as my sisters have gotten farther away, the spotlight of attention has focused in on me. Don't get me wrong, I have no problem with spotlights; I am an attention seeker. But that light can get hot after awhile. 

On my stage (i.e. the dinner table), I would answer questions as if I was in the Miss Universe Pageant and I would do my best stand up act and I would report with a Fox News bias on my day. And my mouth between all the chewing and talking never seemed to stop moving. Then again, I have always been known for babbling, rambling, spewing words without having a clear point or purpose. But I think after awhile, I forgot what it felt like to listen.

When my older sisters were home over winter break, the light dispersed. I reveled in the coolness of its dimming. All of a sudden, I got to sit in the audience and watch the performance unfold. Stories from England and Vermont, pubs and classroom hooligans, cooking and rock climbing, new friends and new jokes. I was enraptured--laughing, looking, listening. I felt myself growing silent and my mouth could finally take a break. 

I felt relieved. I felt happy. I realized I felt younger; I was in my rightful place.

My sisters are always there for me, sometimes when I wish they would just leave me to make my own mistakes. But where would I be without their words of advice? They make me feel younger because they make me remember that there is so much I still haven't experienced. There is so much they still haven't experienced. Lucky for me, they have made a path for me to follow. Sometimes I choose not to follow it. But it's nice to know it's there. 

Actually, being the baby of the family definitely has its perks.